1
00:00:12,968 --> 00:00:14,968
Ah, home at last.
2
00:00:15,033 --> 00:00:17,267
Worn down and weary
after a hard day's work.
3
00:00:19,033 --> 00:00:20,300
But a remedy awaits--
4
00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:22,133
for tonight is my night
to pamper myself
5
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:23,400
and I don't mean the diapers
6
00:00:23,467 --> 00:00:25,000
which I've penciled in
for Wednesday.
7
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,334
A night made in heaven.
8
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:27,968
And who deserves it
more than I?
9
00:00:28,033 --> 00:00:30,033
Toiling tirelessly
yet another day
10
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:33,367
in order to provide food
and clothing for my family.
11
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:34,367
All right, clothing.
12
00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:35,667
Bye, Dad.
13
00:00:35,734 --> 00:00:36,934
Though we're only
ten years old,
14
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,400
we're going out
to find a job,
15
00:00:38,467 --> 00:00:40,968
because we haven't had pants
that fit in three years.
16
00:00:41,033 --> 00:00:42,834
All right, neither!
I hate that!
17
00:00:42,901 --> 00:00:44,267
I walk around,
minding my own business,
18
00:00:44,334 --> 00:00:45,367
talking to myself,
and suddenly,
19
00:00:45,434 --> 00:00:46,601
everything I say
becomes a set-up
20
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:48,634
for some perfectly-timed joke
at my expense.
21
00:00:48,701 --> 00:00:50,234
Unfortunately,
I didn't hear you,
22
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,334
or I would have made
a joke at your expense.
23
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,434
See?!
24
00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:55,300
Duckman, I've got a job
for you to do.
25
00:00:55,367 --> 00:00:58,300
Unless it involves you,
flammable pajamas,
26
00:00:58,367 --> 00:01:00,067
and a wayward pilot light,
I have other plans.
27
00:01:00,133 --> 00:01:03,901
Tonight, the Chateau Duckman
is my castle and I am king.
28
00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:07,634
You mean Rodney King?
29
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,267
( screams )
30
00:01:10,567 --> 00:01:12,801
Or Don King?
31
00:01:12,868 --> 00:01:14,634
Oop, I have to go
to the gym.
32
00:01:14,701 --> 00:01:15,901
Maybe, when I get back,
33
00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:18,334
we can do Larry, Perry,
and Coretta Scott.
34
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:23,167
Go quickly and go far,
O Nagging Spawn of Satan.
35
00:01:23,234 --> 00:01:24,701
I, in the meantime,
will find solace
36
00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:27,234
in the intellectual challenge
that is cable TV.
37
00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:30,400
Wow. He fishes while he talks.
38
00:01:30,467 --> 00:01:31,367
Whoa!
39
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:35,234
My bus driver wanted
to make sure I got home.
40
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:40,267
Dad, given that Aunt Bernice
doesn't have the time lately
41
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:44,033
to ask me to repeat what
I said after her blank look
42
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,167
and given that the twins
are each lucky enough
43
00:01:46,234 --> 00:01:48,000
to have a second head
to converse with,
44
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,701
I was thinking perhaps
I could talk to you.
45
00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:52,501
Ah, that's fine, son.
It's good to have a dream.
46
00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:54,734
But Dad, I think
this might be that time
47
00:01:54,801 --> 00:01:56,701
in an adolescent's development
48
00:01:56,767 --> 00:02:00,467
when he needs to, you know,
discuss things with his father.
49
00:02:00,534 --> 00:02:04,734
Are you trying to tell me
this is the big "P"?
50
00:02:04,801 --> 00:02:08,267
I thought we had that
penciled in for Wednesday.
51
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:10,701
Puberty, Ajax.
52
00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:11,968
Are you getting
bigger pimples?
53
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:13,801
Sporting a little
peach fuzz on the bill?
54
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,234
Feeling repulsed by your
own scrawny appearance?
55
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:16,400
Mercilessly
laughed at by girls,
56
00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:18,434
despite a deepening desire
to be close to them?
57
00:02:18,501 --> 00:02:20,300
Suddenly aware of a
fire in your loins
58
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:21,868
engulfing you in
a living inferno,
59
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,434
sending you off
behind a closed door
60
00:02:23,501 --> 00:02:25,434
for up to three or four
weeks at a time?
61
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:26,901
Um, no.
62
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:30,100
Oh! Uh, me neither.
63
00:02:30,167 --> 00:02:31,634
So, we've bonded,
I've grown.
64
00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:33,901
Now, don't you have some
ear wax to sculpt or something?
65
00:02:33,968 --> 00:02:35,667
If you're not
in the mood to talk,
66
00:02:35,734 --> 00:02:37,334
we could just
watch TV together.
67
00:02:39,133 --> 00:02:40,868
ANNOUNCER:
The Father/Son Hour.
68
00:02:40,934 --> 00:02:42,234
Uh-uh.
69
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,601
ANNOUNCER 2:
Quality time with
your teenage son.
70
00:02:43,667 --> 00:02:44,601
Don't think so.
71
00:02:44,667 --> 00:02:46,100
WOMAN: Every son
needs a father.
72
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,267
Nope.
73
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,267
MAN: Naked women
giving Vegas odds.
74
00:02:49,334 --> 00:02:50,400
Whoa-hoo-hoo!
75
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:52,767
And will you take
a look at the spread?
76
00:02:54,033 --> 00:02:55,901
Uh, Ajax...
77
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:58,033
I feel it's my duty
as a responsible parent
78
00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,467
to make you leave
the house tonight.
79
00:02:59,534 --> 00:03:01,267
Here's a buck and a half.
80
00:03:01,334 --> 00:03:03,634
If you're buying beer,
you'll have to
panhandle for the rest.
81
00:03:03,701 --> 00:03:06,567
Okay, Dad,
I'll wander the streets
82
00:03:06,634 --> 00:03:09,133
picking up my morals,
values, and core beliefs
83
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,567
from the people
of the night
84
00:03:10,634 --> 00:03:12,501
then come back when
I'm fully formed
85
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:13,634
and beyond
your influence.
86
00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:14,868
Good boy.
87
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:16,400
Oop! Wait--
I can help.
88
00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:17,868
Remember that movie
where the dad learns
89
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:19,200
he's dying from
a fatal disease
90
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,901
so he makes a tape
telling his child
91
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,167
everything he thinks
is important to know.
92
00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:24,133
Well, I have one for you.
93
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,634
Are you dying
from a fatal disease?
94
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:28,968
Nah. I just knew I'd be watching
95
00:03:29,033 --> 00:03:30,367
a lot of tv.
96
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,801
I wasn't asking a lot.
97
00:03:35,868 --> 00:03:37,467
It's just that, as I grow,
98
00:03:37,534 --> 00:03:39,868
I find myself
experiencing changes...
99
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:41,601
granted, less extreme ones
100
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,400
than I felt
after swallowing the Drano,
101
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,968
but changes I'd like
to discuss with someone.
102
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:47,000
Whoa!
103
00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:48,100
( groans )
104
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:50,167
( rumbling )
105
00:03:50,234 --> 00:03:51,334
Huh?
106
00:03:57,033 --> 00:03:58,934
( loud whirring )
107
00:04:02,801 --> 00:04:04,067
Wow.
108
00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:06,367
( rattling, clattering )
109
00:04:06,434 --> 00:04:08,367
( engine misfires )
110
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:11,133
( hinges creaking )
111
00:04:24,033 --> 00:04:25,734
Howdy!
I'm Tommy Lee Grabsdig!
112
00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:27,701
And this here's
Billy Saw Mobinrib!
113
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,701
We're inferior beings
from the planet Betamax.
114
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:33,467
We come looking for
the wisest man on Earth
115
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,167
so's he can bring progress
116
00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:36,501
to our real-purty-
117
00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:39,234
but-backward-and-full-
of-stupid-people planet.
118
00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:43,901
Mite antisocial.
119
00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:45,267
Nice body, though.
120
00:04:45,334 --> 00:04:46,801
Greetings,
feared fellows.
121
00:04:46,868 --> 00:04:48,300
What planet are you from?
122
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:50,234
You hear that, Billy Saw?
123
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,601
He knows we're
from somewheres else.
124
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,267
Whee, doggies,
Tommy Lee.
125
00:04:54,334 --> 00:04:56,367
He must be the wise one.
126
00:04:56,434 --> 00:04:59,501
Actually, my name is Ajax,
not to be confused
127
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,767
with the man on TV
who fixes bicycles.
128
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:05,167
But you probably wouldn't
because his name is Bill.
129
00:05:05,234 --> 00:05:08,467
Whish! Went right
over my head.
130
00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:10,801
I'm Tommy Lee,
and this is Billy Saw.
131
00:05:10,868 --> 00:05:12,200
We got the same voice
132
00:05:12,267 --> 00:05:14,200
on account of us beings
from Betamax
133
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:16,067
never had a original
thought in our heads,
134
00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:18,200
so we copy
everything we can.
135
00:05:18,267 --> 00:05:22,167
That plus thousands
of years of sleeping
with our relatives.
136
00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:24,767
Well, there's nothing
like a close family.
137
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:28,167
A profundity--
ooh-whee!
138
00:05:28,234 --> 00:05:29,667
He's the one,
billy saw.
139
00:05:29,734 --> 00:05:33,334
Somehow we got to trick him
into getting on board our ship.
140
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,334
Ever seen the inside
of a spaceship?
141
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:35,834
No.
142
00:05:35,901 --> 00:05:36,667
Want to?
143
00:05:36,734 --> 00:05:37,400
Okay.
144
00:05:41,667 --> 00:05:43,567
( engine starts )
145
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:50,234
NEWSCASTER:
Perot claims not to know
it was a gay bar.
146
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:52,767
MAN:
Shut up, you old hoor.
147
00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:54,634
WOMAN:
Ajax brand euro-coffee.
148
00:05:54,701 --> 00:05:57,234
A-j-a-x-- Ajax!
149
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,801
That explains why there's
no puddles of drool
150
00:06:01,868 --> 00:06:04,667
next to the dog's bowl--
Ajax is missing.
151
00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:06,334
Boys, check the house
and the yard.
152
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:09,667
Listen up, DaffyDuh.
153
00:06:09,734 --> 00:06:11,100
I don't know
what's happened to Ajax,
154
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:12,667
but I've got a feeling
you're responsible.
155
00:06:12,734 --> 00:06:15,000
I've never been the
least bit responsible
and you know it.
156
00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,868
Besides, he could be
lots of places.
157
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:18,200
( horns honking )
158
00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,667
( engine starting )
159
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,601
( panting )
160
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:32,634
He's not here--
but don't worry, Dad.
161
00:06:32,701 --> 00:06:35,868
There's no reason to believe
that Ajax won't safely lumber
162
00:06:35,934 --> 00:06:38,501
into the open arms of home,
hearth and family.
163
00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:40,701
Unless, of course,
he was callously
164
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,300
and selfishly
rejected by you,
165
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:44,434
sending him into
the open arms
of whiteslavers,
166
00:06:44,501 --> 00:06:46,667
the al-Fatah, or
people who appreciate
167
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:48,200
the photographs of
Robert Mapplethorpe.
168
00:06:48,267 --> 00:06:49,200
( gasps )
169
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,133
Hey, cats and kittens.
170
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,934
Corny, what have I done?!
171
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,234
Compared to Mozart,
not a helluva lot.
172
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:57,868
I can't take the guilt!
173
00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,868
For posing as a blind
shower repairman
174
00:06:59,934 --> 00:07:01,467
at the girls' lacrosse finals?
175
00:07:01,534 --> 00:07:04,434
For using your great-aunt's
ashes for carpet deodorizer?
176
00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:06,634
For getting change
for your Monopoly money
177
00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:07,834
from a UNICEF box?
178
00:07:07,901 --> 00:07:09,367
What are you,
my biographer?
179
00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:10,834
All right,
look, everyone.
180
00:07:10,901 --> 00:07:12,667
He hasn't been gone
that long.
181
00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:15,300
How bad a situation could
he have really gotten into?
182
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:18,033
( screaming )
183
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:28,000
I told you we should
have got insurance
when we rented this.
184
00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:29,200
Hot dog, Ajax.
185
00:07:29,267 --> 00:07:31,467
Welcome to
the planet Betamax.
186
00:07:33,968 --> 00:07:35,667
( wings making sound
like a pumping accordian )
187
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,267
( thud, squawk )
188
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:52,734
( all laughing )
189
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,767
You dropped
a five-credit note.
190
00:07:56,834 --> 00:07:58,400
Why, so I have.
191
00:07:58,467 --> 00:08:01,000
Let me repay you
for your loss.
192
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:02,934
Do you have change
for a ten?
193
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,334
I don't,
but take a 20.
194
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,634
Thank you.
195
00:08:06,701 --> 00:08:08,601
Don't mention it.
196
00:08:10,334 --> 00:08:12,634
( scratching )
197
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:16,534
Billy Saw, Tommy Lee,
what y'all think you're doing?
198
00:08:16,601 --> 00:08:18,100
We don't think nothing.
199
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:20,534
We're just doing
whatever Ajax does.
200
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,100
Ernest T., this is Ajax.
201
00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:23,667
Ajax, Ernest T. Globb.
202
00:08:23,734 --> 00:08:26,400
Ernest T. here sounds
a little bit different
203
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:29,033
from everyone else,
so we made him deputy.
204
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:31,667
It's me, it's me,
the deputy.
205
00:08:31,734 --> 00:08:33,100
( raspy, wheezing laughter )
206
00:08:33,167 --> 00:08:36,100
Ajax is the one
we've been looking for.
207
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:38,400
He's kind and gentle
and wise.
208
00:08:38,467 --> 00:08:39,300
( belches )
209
00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:40,400
( all gasp )
210
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:41,934
And he can sing.
211
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,868
We're looking for a clue
that could lead us to him--
212
00:08:44,934 --> 00:08:47,734
anything you don't
ordinarily see in Ajax's room.
213
00:08:47,801 --> 00:08:49,968
Duckman? Duckman?
214
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:53,000
I found these disgusting things
in Ajax's closet.
215
00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:55,334
Why didn't I teach him
to just say no to this garbage?
216
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,701
This is Ajax's room.
217
00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:59,033
That stuff is
from your closet.
218
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:02,400
Oh. Hey, I didn't know
he could sculpt clay.
219
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:03,667
Not clay, cheese.
220
00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:06,133
Each sculpture corresponds
to the cheese used.
221
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,167
For example,
222
00:09:07,234 --> 00:09:09,000
this goat is made
from goat cheese.
223
00:09:09,067 --> 00:09:11,701
This map of Switzerland
is made from Swiss cheese.
224
00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,667
What's this head made out of?
225
00:09:13,734 --> 00:09:15,300
Blech...
226
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:19,601
"My money for college."
227
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:21,767
I didn't know Ajax
wanted to go to college.
228
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:23,667
I didn't know he could
spell college.
229
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:25,100
Well, actually...
230
00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:26,801
( chuckling )
231
00:09:26,868 --> 00:09:29,167
Lookit--
"college" with two L's.
232
00:09:29,234 --> 00:09:32,334
It's only later that the
sixQ's sneak up on you.
233
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,133
No money inside, just papers.
234
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,868
"I owe me $28,
Dad's racetrack night.
235
00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:39,167
"I owe me $16,
Dad's bondage...
236
00:09:39,234 --> 00:09:40,400
uh, bowling night."
237
00:09:40,467 --> 00:09:41,767
there's dozen's of these.
238
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:43,801
Apparently, Ajax
has been sneaking money
239
00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:45,267
into your wallet.
240
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,634
This has gotta be $300-$400--
every allowance he ever got.
241
00:09:47,701 --> 00:09:50,300
Doesn't he spend any money
to make himself happy?
242
00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:52,534
This probably did
make him happy.
243
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:57,067
Well, there's a couple of
leads here we can follow.
244
00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:58,801
With the whole family helping,
245
00:09:58,868 --> 00:10:01,267
we can cover a lot
of ground before dark.
246
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:04,300
Think we missed anything?
247
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:06,100
Just my son's whole life.
248
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:13,601
Well, got
your general store.
249
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:15,234
You got your trastic light.
250
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:17,667
You got your
scaly flyin' glibneezers
251
00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:19,801
that drop
your oogla everywhere.
252
00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:21,133
( glibneezer squawks )
253
00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:24,067
Interesting tour, Ernest T.
254
00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:26,868
Though I'm sure the ability
to comprehend and recall
255
00:10:26,934 --> 00:10:29,067
would have greatly enhanced
my enjoyment.
256
00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:32,234
So, tell us about
your planet.
257
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:33,901
What's that like?
258
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,133
Well, let me think.
259
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:43,467
I know that it
spins really fast.
260
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:46,033
( all gasping
and murmuring in awe )
261
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:47,534
Give us the word.
262
00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:49,667
Help us, Ajax.
Tell us!
263
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:51,767
Tell us what it's like
in paradise.
264
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:56,267
Get up on that there mount,
so everybody can see on you.
265
00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:58,968
You all really want to hear
what i have to say?
266
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,300
Tell us what it's like!
Yeah!
Yes!
267
00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:03,634
Teach us, Ajax!
Give us the word! Tell us!
268
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,067
Where to start...
269
00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:17,501
well, always burp the air
out of the white bread
270
00:11:17,567 --> 00:11:19,868
before you put
the twist tie on.
271
00:11:19,934 --> 00:11:22,868
( cheering )
272
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:27,267
...and blessed
are the pacemakers,
273
00:11:27,334 --> 00:11:31,000
though, without them, we'd
inherit things a lot sooner.
274
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:34,467
And cherish the occasions
when you don't have to shower,
275
00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:36,901
'cause men's odor
is what makes men's men
276
00:11:36,968 --> 00:11:38,901
feel like men's men...
277
00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:39,901
men...
278
00:11:39,968 --> 00:11:41,968
uh... men.
279
00:11:42,033 --> 00:11:44,968
ALL:
Ah... men.
280
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:48,200
Wow. It's as if I found
a whole new family--
281
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:50,834
one that really
wants me around.
282
00:11:52,234 --> 00:11:54,834
I think I'll stay.
283
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:00,767
We're talking
spin-off with the animators.
284
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:02,567
There's some feelers
from Dreamworks.
285
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,734
"We're big fans"--
that kind of thing. You?
286
00:12:04,801 --> 00:12:06,067
Summer tour
came through.
287
00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:07,767
Odd Couple.
Felix, this time.
288
00:12:07,834 --> 00:12:09,734
Dinner theaters, mostly,
but classy, you know?
289
00:12:09,801 --> 00:12:11,234
Two-drink minimum.
290
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:14,934
I'm doing time
and temperature
for Southwest Bell.
291
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,000
Aha.
292
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:17,133
Good gig.
Very nice.
293
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:18,234
Real challenge.
294
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,734
MAN:
Okay, kids, we're ready.
295
00:12:19,801 --> 00:12:21,100
( bell rings twice )
296
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:24,400
MAN:
Speed.
297
00:12:24,467 --> 00:12:26,067
MAN 2:
Nice energy.
298
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:27,567
And... action.
299
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:29,067
We got to find Ajax
300
00:12:29,133 --> 00:12:31,567
but how are we going
to know where to look?
301
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:33,934
Of course, I'm not
a professional detective--
302
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,467
I don't really understand
these complex matters--
303
00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:39,467
but maybe you should look
in the places he usually goes!
304
00:12:39,534 --> 00:12:42,868
Okay, maybe, but I have no idea
where he goes.
305
00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:44,534
If only there were people
306
00:12:44,601 --> 00:12:46,534
who really knew him,
who lived with him
307
00:12:46,601 --> 00:12:48,033
who were like brothers
to him.
308
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,267
( clearing throats )
309
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,334
What? What?
310
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,667
We're his brothers.
311
00:12:51,734 --> 00:12:53,334
Oh, well,
aren't we special?
312
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,734
"We're his brothers.
313
00:12:54,801 --> 00:12:56,901
"Ooh, look at us;
we're so important.
314
00:12:56,968 --> 00:12:58,367
We're his brothers."
315
00:12:58,434 --> 00:13:00,734
look, boys, does our
little interruption
316
00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:02,467
have anything
whatsoever to do
317
00:13:02,534 --> 00:13:04,801
with the problem
we're trying to solve?
318
00:13:06,434 --> 00:13:07,868
You know the drill.
319
00:13:07,934 --> 00:13:10,901
Slowly, with as many
little words as possible.
320
00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:13,801
We made up a list of
his favorite places to go, Dad.
321
00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:15,234
They might surprise you.
322
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:16,868
If indeed you're
still surprised
323
00:13:16,934 --> 00:13:18,300
that you know
almost nothing
324
00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:20,234
about the members
of your own family.
325
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,434
I'll have you know,
Mr. Smarty-pants,
326
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,801
that that doesn't
surprise me one bit.
327
00:13:24,868 --> 00:13:28,734
Once again,
I emerge with the upper hand.
328
00:13:28,801 --> 00:13:30,067
I don't get it, Corny.
329
00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:31,434
Why would he come here?
330
00:13:31,501 --> 00:13:32,868
There's nothing but art.
331
00:13:32,934 --> 00:13:34,801
Perhaps he was looking
to compensate
332
00:13:34,868 --> 00:13:36,033
for something he
found lacking
333
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:36,901
in his home environment.
334
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:37,968
You're right!
335
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,133
They've got
full frontal nudity!
336
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,601
Whoo-hoo!
337
00:13:44,734 --> 00:13:46,067
( grunts )
338
00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:48,267
sad, isn't it?
Some kid comes in here
339
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:50,234
every day to look
at that statue.
340
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:55,334
Walks back and forth so much,
he's worn down the concrete.
341
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,033
Duckman, I think
i've found something
342
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:57,467
that may
give us a clue
343
00:13:57,534 --> 00:13:59,734
as to what Ajax
was looking for.
344
00:13:59,801 --> 00:14:01,567
I'll be right there, corny.
345
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:04,734
Just seeing what she'd look like
with both her breasts.
346
00:14:04,801 --> 00:14:07,567
( kids shouting, laughing
happily )
347
00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:14,434
Duckman, are you
sensing a pattern
348
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:16,267
in the places
Ajax likes to come?
349
00:14:16,334 --> 00:14:18,434
Yeah. He's not at any of them.
350
00:14:18,501 --> 00:14:19,934
It's true.
351
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,934
I don't know him,
do I, Corny?
352
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,834
I've let him grow up
without bothering to find out
353
00:14:24,901 --> 00:14:26,367
who he is or what he wants
354
00:14:26,434 --> 00:14:28,601
and now, if anything's
happened to him
355
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:29,701
it's my fault.
356
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:31,701
Because of me,
he's out on his own,
357
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,667
helpless and friendless
and alone
358
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:36,334
in a cold, cruel world.
359
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,334
( crowd chanting ):
Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax!
360
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,801
Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Ajax!
361
00:14:42,868 --> 00:14:45,167
( cheering )
362
00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:48,067
sometimes at night,
if you leave your window open
363
00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:50,267
the fumes
from a nearby paint factory
364
00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:52,067
can help you get to sleep.
365
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,434
ALL:
Ooh!
366
00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:56,801
By eating tainted food
from dented cans
367
00:14:56,868 --> 00:14:58,701
you can simulate the feeling
368
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,601
of a gunshot wound
to the stomach,
369
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,601
without actually being
fired upon.
370
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:04,934
ALL:
Ooh!
371
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,434
Dad says if you give
372
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:08,734
the asbestos inspector
enough money,
373
00:15:08,801 --> 00:15:11,367
he won't bother you again
for a whole year.
374
00:15:11,434 --> 00:15:13,701
ALL:
Ooh!
375
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:16,767
You up and mentioned
some feller called "Dod."
376
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:19,067
Is that who
you learned from?
377
00:15:19,133 --> 00:15:21,634
Dad?
Well, I guess he's the one
378
00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:25,067
who's most responsible
for making me what I am.
379
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:28,067
Well, shut my mouth
and call me a cab.
380
00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:29,400
This "Dod" must be
381
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:31,534
one humdinger of
a superior creature.
382
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,968
Got a picture?
383
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:38,100
( both gasp )
384
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:40,300
handsome sort, and you're
the spitting image
385
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,100
'cept for the size
and the shape
386
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:44,200
and the color
and the face and stuff.
387
00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:46,601
He also made me
this educational videotape,
388
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:48,701
wherein
he talks about everything
389
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:51,334
he felt it was important
for me to know.
390
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,334
Sooey!
391
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,567
Can we watch?
392
00:15:53,634 --> 00:15:54,901
Sure.
393
00:15:54,968 --> 00:15:56,267
Do you have VCRs?
394
00:15:58,934 --> 00:16:02,200
Handy, but repairs
are a pain in the butt.
395
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:04,234
( both guffawing )
396
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:11,067
( tape clicks into slot,
grunts )
397
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:18,067
We're backward,
but we got our priorities.
398
00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:19,701
Listen up, everybody.
399
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:21,200
It's Dod,
400
00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:22,934
the varmint who's so wise,
401
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,901
he taught Ajax
everything he knows.
402
00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:26,501
ALL:
Whoa!
403
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,934
My advice is to
write it all down.
404
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,767
These are going to be
words to live by.
405
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:36,367
( all burping )
406
00:16:38,934 --> 00:16:41,467
What the hell
are you staring at?
407
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:46,300
( musical theme playing )
408
00:16:51,267 --> 00:16:53,200
* *
409
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:58,901
TOMMY LEE:
And so it was that Dod's wisdom
was visited upon our world.
410
00:17:04,968 --> 00:17:08,067
He spoke to us
of a new way of living
411
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:11,067
a new way of behaving
toward one another--
412
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:13,000
his way.
413
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:22,067
( yelling indistinctly )
414
00:17:36,634 --> 00:17:40,634
Remember, cheeks red,
cleavage scrunched.
415
00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:49,367
( all gasp )
416
00:17:49,434 --> 00:17:52,667
Dod bless Betamax.
417
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:56,868
We'll do it
in the name of Dod.
418
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:58,634
And Dod said unto us:
419
00:17:58,701 --> 00:18:01,567
"If someone beatest the crap
out of you,
420
00:18:01,634 --> 00:18:04,434
then you beatest the crap
out of him."
421
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:05,767
( bell ringing )
422
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:06,968
( all yelling )
423
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,601
CROWD ( chanting ):
Kill Ajax! Kill Ajax!
424
00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:29,100
I do love it here
425
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:32,334
but if all I'm going to see
is mobs and guns and explosives,
426
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,467
I might as well
be back at school.
427
00:18:34,534 --> 00:18:36,968
MOB:
Kill Ajax! Kill Ajax!
428
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:39,501
( gasping )
429
00:18:39,567 --> 00:18:41,501
( all panting )
430
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:45,767
( mob clamoring )
431
00:18:49,467 --> 00:18:52,534
You remember how
this dang thing works?
432
00:18:52,601 --> 00:18:55,701
I believe that button
takes us straight up.
433
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:59,267
( jackhammer rattling )
434
00:19:03,501 --> 00:19:07,601
Truly, he was
the son of Dod.
435
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:08,868
( grunts )
436
00:19:09,968 --> 00:19:11,534
Nice shot, Timmy.
437
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:13,734
This duck hole
is a hard one.
438
00:19:15,634 --> 00:19:17,234
( sighs )
439
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,901
I'm at a loss. What possible
connection can there be
440
00:19:19,968 --> 00:19:22,167
between a family beach,
a statue of a family,
441
00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:24,133
a family playground
and amusement park
442
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,234
a family picnic area,
a family rec center,
443
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:28,534
a restaurant with a weekly
"families eat free" night,
444
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,534
a taping of the game show
Family Feud,
445
00:19:30,601 --> 00:19:32,534
and a miniature golf course
filled with families?
446
00:19:35,033 --> 00:19:37,000
( Ajax screams )
447
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,267
Ow.
448
00:19:38,334 --> 00:19:40,300
Sorry about that, Ajax.
449
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:43,567
I forgive you. You didn't know
what you were doing.
450
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:56,434
Dad?
451
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:58,033
ALL:
Ajax!
452
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:03,267
I've never been so happy to
see anyone in my whole life.
453
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:04,434
Bail bondsman?
454
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:06,334
Okay, yeah,
but this is good too.
455
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,501
Where'd you go?
456
00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:09,434
Actually,
it's quite interesting.
457
00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:11,434
I was kidnapped
by hillbilly aliens
458
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:13,100
who all have the same voice
459
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,901
then taken to their planet
460
00:20:14,968 --> 00:20:17,133
and worshipped as a deity
by millions,
461
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,601
until your videotape
caused the entire culture
462
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:21,868
to be enveloped
in a downward spiral
463
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:24,267
of violence, greed
and pornography.
464
00:20:24,334 --> 00:20:27,501
I was like one
clue away from
guessing that.
465
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,667
I think you might
have been dreaming, Ajax.
466
00:20:29,734 --> 00:20:32,734
You look like you had a nasty
hit on the head. Are you okay?
467
00:20:32,801 --> 00:20:34,000
Of course he is!
468
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,000
The important thing is
that he's back with us.
469
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:38,234
You being gone has taught me
a valuable lesson, Ajax.
470
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,734
It's that
when a father and a son...
471
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:41,901
Uh...
472
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:43,801
When they, uh...
473
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,901
The important thing
about being...
474
00:20:45,968 --> 00:20:47,400
Eh, if you, uh...
475
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:48,901
Help me out here.
476
00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:50,367
I think you learned that,
too often,
477
00:20:50,434 --> 00:20:51,601
we fail to take the time
478
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:54,033
to really get to know
those we love the most.
479
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,200
That was okay.
Sometimes you do better.
480
00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:57,534
Thanks, Dad.
481
00:20:57,601 --> 00:20:58,868
It means a lot
482
00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:02,100
to hear someone else say
you meant to say that.
483
00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:04,334
I learned a lesson too.
484
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,033
I went searching
for a connection to a family
485
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,667
who would love me
and listen to me,
486
00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:11,167
and I found it
amongst a planet full of people
487
00:21:11,234 --> 00:21:14,400
who felt I was worth more
than any of you ever will.
488
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:21,634
But, you know, I'm glad
to be back and everything.
489
00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:25,501
Come on, son.
Let's go home.
490
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,901
Maybe the whole thing
was a dream, Dad.
491
00:21:30,968 --> 00:21:33,534
After all, in real life,
can you imagine
492
00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:35,901
a whole civilization
worshiping a god
493
00:21:35,968 --> 00:21:38,901
who created the very world
that plagues them?
494
00:21:38,968 --> 00:21:41,734
( all laughing )
495
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,734
( laughter fades
to nervous chuckles )
496
00:21:44,801 --> 00:21:47,167
( explosion )
497
00:22:35,067 --> 00:22:37,667
AJAX:
What makes men's men
feel like men's men?